


Cultural Whoopsies

by Rhidee



Category: Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018)
Genre: Cartoon Physics, M/M, Noir Knits, Oh You Know ;), Only a vague overarching plot, Twister - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-11
Updated: 2019-01-11
Packaged: 2019-10-08 02:54:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17378252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rhidee/pseuds/Rhidee
Summary: Noir choked, choked again, and said "I'm gay."





	Cultural Whoopsies

Noir looked at Spiderham's snout.

"I'm not...sure we can physically kiss."

Spiderham scratched his head, before a lightbulb popped up above his head.

"I know, let me try this!" Said Spiderham, turning around and making a bunch of motions around his face.

Noir had question marks appear around him as he stood silently.

Spiderham turned around, instantly a curvy, feminine human version of himself, lipsticked lips pushed out invitingly.

Noir choked, choked again, and said "I'm gay."

 

\-------------

 

"So, how old are you?" Peter asked Spiderham over his bowel of parody Captain Crunch.

"Oh, I'm an adult!"

"No like, how many years have you been alive?" Miles said

Spiderham blinked, put down the cucumber, and said, "Years?"

"Rotation of the earth around the sun, measured by days." Noir explained, having already been informed that his sunless dimension wasn't normal.

"Oh, we don't have those.  Why would we keep track of that?"

"To measure how long you've been alive?" Gwen said, shoving her leftover oatmeal to Miles who ate it eagerly.

"Oh you sillies, cartoons don't die!" Spiderham proclaimed.

A collective “!” went around the room.

Everyone talked over each other in shock.  Noir straight up left.  Faint thumps came from outside while Peni started swearing in Japanese.

Spiderham sipped apple juice out of a wine glass with a silly straw and said nothing.

 

\-------------

 

The bacon sizzled louder on the stove, the sound seemed deafening in the dead silent kitchen.

"S-Spiderham it's not what you think!" Miles yelled frantically.

"I WON'T HESITATE #*@$!" Spiderham yelled from behind a gun.

-

"Naaah, it's fine. Pigs are cannibals!" Spiderham said, throwing his gun offscreen where it made a series of clangs and then a cat sound.

Gwen choked on her tea as Peter lost his absolute mind.

 

\-------------

 

 

Spiderham rifled through the cupboards as Noir walked over to the kitchen, holding his coffee in tired hands.  His steps, stumbling and stupid, lead him toe first into the kitchen island.  He flinched, sloshing his coffee onto the floor, and yelled, "#*$@*!"

Well.  That wasn't normal.

-

"Are you sure this'll work?" Asked Noir from by the fireplace, dramatically cast in shadow.

The camera swooped to the side.

"It should, we're in separate frames." Said Spiderham, flexing by the window with vaguely sexual undertones.

Noir paused, nodded once, and said, "Fuck."

 

\-------------

 

The comic book fell onto the table

“Spiderham Saves The City and Causes An Absolute Ruckus!”

-

“Blam-O!”  Yelled a voice in the distance, accompanied by a series of explosions and screaming.

Noir took another slow drag of his cigarette.  The fires walked with sinister smiles and chased the villains around.

 

\------------

 

 

"Check this out, babe-ay!" Spiderham yelled, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a neon pink dildo at least twice his entire goddamn size. It had a curly tail at the end.

Noir covered his face and wished fainting was in his genre.

 

\------------

 

“Hey man, could you like, step outside for a second?” Peter asked, covering his mask as the normal scent of sewer stank increased and the shadows thickened.

Noir paused, tensed subtly, and walked back out.

Gwen punched Peter in the arm.

“Ow!  What the-?”

-

“Sorry.” Peter dropped the gigantic bag full of multicolored yarn and speed walked away.

Noir looked down, put his hand in the multicolored softness, and smiled gentle and invisible.

-

Everyone got cable knit sweaters for Christmas.  They looked like acid trips, warm and beloved acid trips.

 

\------------

 

Peni and Noir took slow sips of their black coffees and watched as Peter got absolutely devastated in twister.

“I feel like this maybe isn’t fair.” Peter was muffled by Miles left foot on blue.

“Yes.” Said Spiderham, face down on red.

 

\------------

 

Spiderham started giggling between the two Peters.

“Wha?” Peter grumbled, tugging Noir’s hand on his side half asleep.

Spiderham’s giggling turned into laughter as he proudly proclaimed,

“Ham sandwich!”

**Author's Note:**

> This honestly wrote itself i was jotting down these bits in the shower cause honestly we need to explore the genre differences more


End file.
